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Welcome to the Show by Kevin MacLeod
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Kimberly: Hello Listeners! You are listening to take me out to the blallgame, the world's most parental blaseball podcast. I am your host Kimberly Dauber and I use she/her pronouns. Today's show is about… peanuts.
But first, a word from our splonsors: This episode of take me out to the blallgame, was splonsored by… okay this just says… peanuts? I ‘m just gonna roll the ad. This is just fine (haha).
(static peanut sounds)
Announcer: Peanuts. Have you considered them? Look at them. Touch them. Smell them. Taste them. (threatening peanut noises intensify) Listen to them. Hold a peanut up to your ear and you turn it upside down. Hear the faint whisper of matter trickling from top to bottom; like a honey-roasted hourglass for concepts more delicious than linear time. Arachibutyrophobia is the word for the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. If you were me, you would know why this fear evolved. If I were you, I would consider peanuts.
Kimberly: Hey there listeners, we are back on today's show which is all about peanuts. This episode started when listener Daniel sent in the following question shortly before the snackrifice.
(Clears throat) Love the show. Longtime listener, first time first timer. I’ve just now sponsored a taco, and I can't say I'm not a bit nervous, but helping fellow blaseball fans is in a Friday's blood. My question is, what makes these peanuts so yummy? I'm not sure what's come over me, but I can't stop eating peanuts. Usually I say to myself, I’ll just have one, but that's before I lose dozens in what feels like moments, and then suddenly I'm late to a meeting, or dinner, or any manner of things.
Daniel, thank you so much for sending in your question. Peanuts are a vital part of blaseball and it sounds like you are experiencing this firsthand. So, I'm gonna do my best to help you out here. In order to answer your question I have called in a peanut expert. That Reporter, is, as his name implies, an intrepid reporter for WTFB splorts radio. That Reporter daringly investigates all things blaseball regardless of the threat to his physical form, or his sanity… or his immortal soul. So anyway, if anyone was going to find out what's going on with you and your peanuts, I knew it was going to be him! Listeners we go now to That Reporter…
That Reporter: This reporter, he/him pronouns, speaking for WTFB, splorts radio.
Ah… Peanuts. So many things are presided over, or filled by, this roasted legume. Our votes, our tributes, filing cabinets. Peanuts loom large in blaseball history in every sense of the word. Most of them just really, really literal huh? Peanuts, for those like myself, who are somewhat new to the game, are mysterious item/ snack/ currency(?) that were first introduced by a decree in season two. This of course was the peanut decree, which had to described effect of “peanut.” with just literally no further explanation. It passed! And as day one of season three began, it became possible to purchase peanuts from the store and consume them. A hopeful moment for blaseball, as, according to the forbidden book, eating one million peanuts in total would have allowed the fan base to atone for having angered the blaseball gods. Unfortunately, one day later, the fan base angered the baseball gods, due to reports of peanut fraud.
(Momentous music swells in the background)
One whole day. Pretty good, for blaseball. But this is what first brought the Shelled One into the public eye, where their first major act was: taking its redemption back and going home with it. And they have remained the game's main representation of the blaseball gods to this very day. Since then, notable behavior has included; getting mad at us for liking players more than peanuts, trapping players in gigantic peanut shells, and getting menaced by a squid. A bit of a theme. Except for that last part. We're still working on that. Truthfully, we may have more questions about peanuts than we have answers. We have recently learned that the Shelled One is directly responsible for the gift, of this particularly savory communion. But why? What form of redemption was there to be found in the act of consumption? For what reason for the crimes of the few fit to damn us all? Are the powers granted to the gods only generated by our own beliefs? Our faith, our meaning, our associations? Or is there something inherent to these beings we have yet to comprehend? That we can’t comprehend? Does their presence imply a yet still unveiled popcorn deity? Are peanuts eggs? And why does the station coffee machine keep filling up with peanuts whenever we try to turn it on? (music stops) Seriously. Having to walk all the way out to the donut shop on the corner is such a drag. Anyways, we here at the station have looked into the matter of unstoppable peanut consumption and This Reporter thinks we may have a working theory.
First of all, the distinctive peanut yumminess mentioned, actually has some very interesting sources. The first is in the cooking method. You see ballpark or blallpark peanuts have been roasted. This high heat cooking method allows the peanuts to brown in their shells, drawing out a sweet and complex flavor. The result is a savory, somewhat chocolatey and slightly vegetal flavor profile that is quite distinct. Especially when paired with the woody aroma of the roasted shell. Actually, This Reporter does believe that the shell may be an important component of this particular compulsion. The shell; this fibrous wall that has made prisons of blaseballs finest, for no greater sin than being beloved; for no worse crime not having been marked by the Shelled One's name. Luck and the mercy of the birds may have some of our players to go free but, we are still helpless. Only in the miniature, can we crack this fortress into an aperture, beholding its true form; beholding what it has to hide. Here, here we may find catharsis. You turn the shelling your fingers seeking the seam. You press and pull, and it splits. And know the crack of sound. The satisfaction and the sensation. And from the sensation, we find memory. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd. You’re there. There within the many. Within the we who watch. Within the cheer. Within the glory…
While we here at the studio can't yet to offer any solutions to eldritch yearning for the nostalgic crowd gestalt energy of a blaseball game, we do think we have a solution for such an intrusive problem. Just take your supply of peanuts and toss to coat with a few spoonfuls of chili powder. The capsaicin should help you realize you've begun eating peanuts, or at the very least, provide a little spicy kick to your snacking. We got the idea from our studio policy of adding Chile to the peanuts that we throw into the parking lot for the birds. Helps keep the feral umpire's off. Back to your Dauber.
Kimberly: Thanks That. Wow, making peanuts spicy. That is a brilliant solution; taking one part of blaseball and combining it with another to produce something that might be a great success and might be a monstrosity that no one should have ever hoped to exist in the first place. Daniel, I hope this helps with your peanut problem, and may the peanut have mercy on all of us. But listeners that is not all we have for the episode today. You see, after reading Daniel's question I sort of maybe got really interested in peanuts. Oh my gosh! I found so many interesting facts about them and I really want to share all of my favorite peanut facts with you. But first we'll be right back after this short break:
This episode of Take Me Out to the Blall Game was splonsored by Blaseball Cares.
At Blaseball Cares, we love peanuts. Unless you don't like them, in which case we hate peanuts. Either way, our store will be opening back up at the start of season nine with brand new merch to express your feelings. We've donated over two thousand dollars to charity already, and with lots more products and launches planned. We are excited to donate plenty more. Make sure to check us out at blaseballcares.com and follow us on Twitter @blaseballcares. See you at the start of season nine on Monday.
Kimberly: Listeners we are back! Today we are talking about peanuts. Okay, so I found a lot of peanut facts on the internet and since these facts said that they were verified, I knew that they had to be true. So, I put them together for you in this little audio format. And listening to them will almost definitely not shatter your mind… I think. Anyway! Please enjoy these verified peanuts facts.
(due to the many worlds theory of blaseball verified peanut facts may contradict one another or may not even be true in your version of the multiverse.)
One-Peanuts as a Food: (ding)
-Elephants love peanuts because if an elephant eats its own body weight in peanuts in one day, it gains the ability to fly. (ding)
-Sometimes if you put a peanut in your ear, you can hear silence, because there's a peanut blocking your ear. (ding)
-Peanuts do not contain calories. Rather, one who consumes a peanut, gains nourishment from the soul within. (ding)
-You are supposed to shell peanuts before eating them. Seriously, you know who you are. (ding)
-Crows love em. Wanna be friends with crows, leave out peanuts and then when they know you have food, transition to cat food, which is better for them, and the squirrels won't eat it. Then the murder will love you basically forever. Just basic bird facts. (ding)
-Some people claim to be allergic to peanuts, but anyone can be allergic to peanuts from a high speed. (rapid dinging)
Two- Peanut Nomenclature (ding)
-Peanuts are a type of snail. (ding)
-The rough evolution timeline goes; cyanobacteria- Anomalocaris- Peanuts. Peanuts don't have to Google how to spell Anomalocaris. (ding)
-Correction: Peanuts are not the type of snail and knowing the difference could save your life. (ding)
-People think that the beloved comic strip “Peanuts” is named after the legume but this is a common misconception. It is named after Charles Schulz's beloved son, Peanut McGraw Shultz. (ding)
-Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut Peanut (ding)
-If you look under a microscope, you will see that is helpfully labeled all peanut. All penuts labeled this way. (rapid dinging)
Three-Peanuts in Agriculture (ding)
-a peanut is a fruit. This one is actually true as much as I hate it. (ding)
-The peanut plant is a detrofoliate, meaning it has four leaflets the make up each leaf. This one is also true and even though I think I just made the word detrofoliate . (ding)
-Peanuts come from the ground. It is reasonable to expect that the rise in peanut consumption is related to the prevalence of groundouts. (ding)
-McEwan based rational cropping and soil management practices support environmentally and economically sustainable agro-eco-systems. (ding)
-Peanuts can improve the bioavailability of contaminants, crop biomass, and the ability to degrade organic pollutants and indirectly help photo-stabilization and translocation of pollution agents from soil to plant.( Tank et al. 2015) (ding)
-If you were to just stack every peanut in the world on top of each other to form a tower, the tower would probably collapse. You can't stack peanut shells dummy. (rapid dinging)
Four- Peanut Psychology
-Peanuts share shells with other peanuts because they like to be friends.
-Peanuts are more social in comparison than to, say, walnuts or almonds. (ding)
-peanuts are mad, bad, and dangerous to know. (ding)
-Peanuts pass the mirror test. (ding)
-Peanuts are one of the few members of the legume family to be capable of sin. As such the testimony cannot be considered reliable evidence in a court of law. (ding)
-Peanuts have no chill (ding)
peanuts can run up to forty kilometers per hour. But they don't.(rapid dinging)
- There are twelve peanuts in a dozen
-Peanuts claims its own shell is dependent for tax purposes.
-The peanuts are unionizing
-All peanuts are enemies of the proletariat.
-A peanut was once elected mayor of Coffee Springs, Alabama. This was an administrative accident, but Mayor Nut is still beloved for their thorough overhaul of the local roadways.
-Peanuts say trans rights! (especially rapid dinging)
Kimberly : Hey, we're back! That was fun right? Everybody’s mind still intact? Good, good. Okay so those were only most of the verified peanut facts. I also got some responses that may have come from some well-known blaseball figures. One particular verified response said, “Oh no.” and was followed shortly by “What.” I'm not sure who sent these in, but I suspect they're doing a great job. Finally, I received this audio clip from an anonymous source:
(Voice in static) “I heard that the peanut has a six pack; that the peanut is shredded.”
Kimberly: So, I have no clue who could have possibly sent that one in, but that is all I have today for verified peanut facts. Many thanks to the internet for providing them to me. Okay listeners, that's all I've got today for the episode, thank you again to Daniel for sending in your questions. The peanut ad at the beginning of the show was brought to our plane of existence by Lauren Sherman, if you liked it you can find more cool stuff that they did at Shermansplanet.com. That Reporter is on Twitter @WTFBsplortradio. That’s @WTFBsplortradio. By the way, this blaseball’s personal opinion, he is one of the most underrated blaseball Twitter accounts in existence, so go give him a follow. All right remember to subscribe to our show Take Me Out to the Blall Game wherever podcasts are found. Follow us on Twitter @blaseballpod and email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can send in a question, dedicate a soul scream to a fellow baseball fan, or, just suggest something that we should be interviewing you about. And finally, if you know someone else who would enjoy this podcast, do them a favor and tell them about it. I bet; they'll be glad you did. I'm Kimberly Dauber, this has been Take Me Out to the Blall Game. Thank you for participating in cultural event of blaseball.
(Outro Music fades)
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Transcribed by Sophie.