Blaseball Power Rankings, Part 1

Kimberly: Hey there blaseball fans you are listening to Take Me Out To The Blallgame the world's most numerical blaseball podcast. I'm your host Kimberly Dauber and I use She/her pronouns. now you've probably heard of blaseball power rankings: that's when at the beginning of every season various news outlets and other blaseball personalities rank the teams in order of who is most likely to win the next championship. and I wanted to do something like that over the grand siesta but in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with how good a team is at blaseball. so I went over and I talkd to the blaseball news people and the baseball broadcaster people and a couple other folks as well. and I asked them to rank the teams in order of anything that doesn't have anything to do with how good a team is at blaseball and they came through. so I will be releasing all of these power rankings eventually probably as part of a little series kind of thing. but today I am very pleased to present to you the first two of them after this word from our splonsors.

Kimberly (Splonsorship Segment): today's episode of Take Me Out To The Blallgame was splonsored by the Blaseball News Network. Hey there blaseball fans you probably knew about the Blaseball News Network's Twitter and you might have even heard of their website blaseball.news. but did you know that the Blaseball News Network also has a YouTube channel? that's right you can get videos on YouTube from your favorite sentient ai blaseball news source. some of them even feature yours truly me Kimberly Dauber talking blaseball in the sky with microphone. there are recaps of previous seasons there is a complete history of blaseball from seasons one through eight and more content coming over the grand siesta including coming up a summary of seasons nine through eleven voiced by me. Go check it out it's the Blaseball News Network YouTube channel. click the link in the show notes or just head over to YouTube and search for the Blaseball News Network. you'll see that it's the one with the Blaseball News Network orange logo. thanks so much for listening and now back to the show.

Kimberly: Hey there listeners it's me Kimberly. you're listening to Take Me Out To The Blallgame and we are doing blaseball power rankings that have nothing to do with how good a team is at blaseball. for our first set of power rankings you may recall That Reporter of WTFB Splorts Radio having been on the show before a couple of times. he has come up with an excellent set of rankings about how intimidating each team is to him personally on a conceptual or vibes level. so buckle up because it's going to be a great ride. I now give you That Reporter.

That Reporter: hello and good local time immaterial plate. This Reporter He/him pronouns speaking for WTFB Splorts Radio. as of this recording we are experiencing the cultural event of the grand siesta a rare moment of peace from blaseball and indeed the gods. this is the time for rest and respite and also an invaluable time for lists. This Reporter was delighted when approached by our friends at Take Me Out To The Blallgame to expand on our vague threat to rank all of the teams in baseball in order of how much each team in a kind of vibes based abstract personally intimidates This Reporter specifically as a person. but first we'd like to make one thing clear every single team on this list is fully capable of great and wonderful things. to defeat gods and bravely face the opaque tides of an unstoppable future every single time they play. just some of them make This Reporter a little nervous but some of them have an energy that goes the completely opposite direction.

which brings us to twenty the Boston Flowers. the Flowers are in possession of a sincere and intense atmosphere of support that is to be celebrated. truly we grow together and This Reporter may be the best version of himself at Boston games. nineteen the Dallas Steaks. This Reporter has never once walked into a Steaks game without being offered food, advice, and instructions on how to change a tire. however this reporter feels Dallas Steak fans can sense when he's put off a chore which broke the tie for twentieth. eighteen the Hawai'i Fridays. the relaxing embrace a Friday brings with it arguably the greatest vibes in the Pacific, but make no mistake. This Reporter considers this the team with the highest odds of flipping all the way into the top five if ever provoked again. Friday is eternal. seventeen the Chicago Firefighters. it is functionally impossible not to find Firefighters in general a supportive and reassuring presence. sixteen the New York Millennials. This Reporter is in fact a millennial himself generationally speaking leading to a sense of camaraderie. however this does mean that they remember... things. that only a nineties kid would remember, a dark knowledge indeed. fifteen the Philadelphia Pies. much like making a decent crust This Reporter remains respectfully wary of just the whole thing. fourteen the Tokyo Lift. while the Lifts are new to the sport and as such have not yet established a reputation This Reporter is remarkably sure every single last member of the team could wreck his shop in an arm wrestling contest. number thirteen the Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos. this team's vibes remind This Reporter of sea salt and naps under an orange tree but also he is fully aware that the city and in many ways the team itself is a haunted lightning rod for chaos. sort of a balance really. twelve the Breckenridge Jazz Hands. listen never underestimate theater people, however once again these are This Reporter's people by birthright and practice so it's still mostly cool. eleven the Mexico City Wild Wings. at the end of the day the verdict is keep some respect and the "W" on that name.

ten the Seattle Garages. once there was a time when This Reporter did not know the word blaseball. the day that he learned this knowledge came with a song. to This Reporter their powers is both immeasurable and irreplaceable. nine the Kansas City Breath Mints. this is a bit of a last minute shift in the rankings as the whole "The Death Mints" thing has struck fear in the heart of This Reporter. eight the San Francisco Lovers. make no mistake the Lovers are by far one of the warmest and most inviting team vibes in the league and This Reporter is in fact a loyal and local fan. however unfortunately This Reporter is often rendered a little addle pated by the actual presence of the Lovers which has skewed the numbers slightly. seven the Canada Moist Talkers. between their constant access to poutine, ability to cope with snow, the presence of ORB, and overall vibes This Reporter firmly believes that Canada's home team is absolutely more powerful than he is on every level. six the Charleston Shoe Thieves. This Reporter is in many ways genuinely nervous that even just discussing this team is going to get his kicks stolen. disclaimer WTFB Splorts swears this ranking has not been affected by the presence of Tillman Henderson. five the Houston Spies. This Reporter is legally required to specify that this ranking has nothing to do with the moon but also the Spies definitely know much more than This Reporter which we find highly intimidating. four the Hades Tigers. in many ways This Reporter considers the Tigers the very definition of intimidating blaseball vibes. however their mascot is also literally This Reporter's childhood favorite animal which adds a certain admirational factor that balances things out. three the Miami Dale. deep in his heart This Reporter is absolutely certain that the Dale's power is unfathomable. there is no evidence that we can provide it's simply vibes. we seek to comprehend and yet we fear one day we will have no choice but to understand. two the Yellowstone Magic. have you ever been on a long drive and seen a mountain in the distance? no matter how much you understand in theory the scale of land it never really sinks in right. for a time it's just there, a presence, and then you approach the foothills. do you remember how it felt? and at number one the Hellmouth Sunbeams. the Hellmouth's place on this ranking is a somewhat recent event but we believe it was inevitable. as it is inevitable that the sun will climb to the apex of the sky. truly This Reporter can only stare into these vibes but so long, he must avert his gaze.

and that's This Reporter's personal intimidation top twenty. honorable mentions go to the Crabs and of course the Hall Stars. back to you Dauber.

Kimberly: so glad to have That Reporter on the show it's always such a pleasure. listeners we will be right back with one more set of power rankings for you. these ones by Forsythia Helltiger after this short break.

Kimberly (Intermission): Hey there listeners today can you guess what we've got? that's right it is the soulscream from a listener! this one is from a NewPunkInTown who's a big fan of the Seattle Garages and the song Mike Townsend (is a disappointment) and has sent it in as a soulscream. it's the song all cut up, pressed into about twenty one seconds, and played once. thank you so much for sending this in NewPunkInTown, this soulscream goes out to all of the Garages fans.

[soulscream plays]

I love soulscreams so much. NewPunk, thanks so much for sending it in. listeners if you too would like to send in a soul scream you can do that by going to www.blaseballpodcast.com by heading over to our contact page and sending it to us in a message. or you can go ahead and email it to us at blaseballpodcast@gmail.com. thank you all so much for listening back to the show.

Kimberly: hello blaseball fans thank you for sticking with us. you are listening to Take Me Out To The Blallgame. I'm your host Kimberly Dauber and today we're doing blaseball power rankings and boy oh boy do I have some rankings for you right now. these ones were written by Forsythia Helltiger and they are the Helltiger-Modron Problems Coefficient rankings. they are going to be read by Wes and I have a slight caveat for you before we get started. I am not sure how to explain what's about to happen here. Forsythia kind of just did her thing and if you're not sure what that means check out her Twitter it's @Fhelltiger and in this specific case Forsythia's thing involved a lot of memetically hazardous graphs which you can look at on blaseballpodcast.com on the website for the show. in any case I am honor bound to put these rankings on the podcast so I told Wes, who is about to read them, to do his best? I checked with Forsythia if that was okay and she said "I trust your judgment on this/am wiping my hands of the affair." so anyway I can't explain what's about to happen but please enjoy the Helltiger-Modron Problem Coefficient power rankings.

Wes: The Helltiger-Modron Problems Coefficient by Forsythia Helltiger, read by Wes. This is a compass that ranks players along two distinct axes: on purpose/by accident on the chart's x-axis and causes problems/solves problems on the y-axis. from this can be derived in general aura of a team, similar substitutions can be made to replace the y-axis with blase and ball. of course this is an intensely accurate way of ranking teams relative power rankings that can only be embodied through an impossible to explain chart.

Figure A: an impossible to explain chart. a compass chart ranking blaseball teams based on whether they cause or solve problems on purpose or by accident. the x-axis goes from solves problems to causes problems and the y-axis goes from on purpose to by accident. teams that solve problems on purpose: Firefighters, Mills, Breath Mints, Flowers, Tacos, Lift, Magic, and Spies. teams that solve problems by accident: Wild Wings, Steaks, and Fridays. teams that cause problems by accident: Dale, Lovers, and Pies. teams that cause problems on purpose: Garages, Tigers, Shoe Thieves, Sunbeams, Jazz Hands, and Moist Talkers.

now when you take the problems number "X". with 1 being solves problems and -1 being causes problems and add the purpose number "Y" with 1 being on purpose and -1 being by accident we are left with the team's problem coefficient. the "oh no". from here we apply the patented Helltiger metric of divisional depth ranking, the MDDR, which is calculated by taking the wins of the top team in a subdivision and subtracting the wins of the weakest team in the subdivision. which is best illustrated through the power hexagon.

see Figure B: the power hexagon. A hexagon with words at its points starting from twelve o'clock and going clockwise the points are labeled most powerful: wild high plus thirty four, mild low plus twenty. least powerful: wild low plus twenty, mild high plus twenty one. in a normal season of blaseball the power hexagon will vary between positive and negative numbers across and usually never results in a tie. however this is not the case in the previous season due to the incursion of sun 2 into our dimension, irreparably warping all known scrying technologies for divining blaseball rankings. so the power hexagon must be adjusted in accordance with the arcane rituals to reflect this.

see Figure C: the power hexagon revised. the bottom half of the hexagon has been flipped upside down but like... two-tenths. it also has been flipped horizontally and superimposed over itself? there are still labels on the points but they are completely illegible. now you're ready to rank blaseball teams. to do this simply assigned a numeric value from the highest scoring team to the weakest scoring team in a subdivision, keeping the MDDR number in mind. this is best done at the end of the season as the blaseball website helpfully lists them in order.

see Figure D: an annotated list. the blaseball website standings. the teams in each sub league are numbered 1 through 5. the numbers are crudely hand drawn. from here the values can be added into the power hexagon. first all the first ranked teams, then the second ranked teams, and so on. your power hexagon completed should look like this.

see Figure E: the power hexagon perfected. the hexagons from before with teams added in according to their division. a few teams are either misspelled or in the wrong division but... this is fine. I'm fine. now apply these to the Problems Coefficient from earlier.

see Figure F. the completed chart. this mess, sorry this power hexagon that we just built is overlaid on top of the compass chart from before. the one that shows which teams solve or cause problems on purpose or by accident. the chart shows that some of the teams are on the top? and some of the teams are on the bottom? and I guess every team is on there twice? I... I'm sorry. I'm looking at this thing and it's completely impossible to parse. this is all the raw data that you will need to complete your power rankings. however the patterns may not be visible at first glance so it is necessary to draw a line between the positions of the teams on the Power Hexagon and the Problem/Purpose numbers of each team. note it is imperative that you use different colors for each of these. the longer the distance between the team's Problem/Purpose and their position on the Power Hexagon, the lower on the power rankings they are.

see Figure G. the completed chart annotated. now there are multi colored lines connecting the position of the team on the hexagons from earlier and their positions on the compass chart. it is still absolutely impossible to parse. although I can in fact confirm that all the lines are different colors. great, that's just great. listeners I dearly wish I could explain this catastrophe of a diagram but I cannot make heads or tails of it but I am...

I am... wait, wait, wait. I... I... I see it. I see it! I see it and it's beautiful! it's so beautiful! I... I wish I could convey the sheer brilliance of these power rankings but my words are quite simply insufficient. just trust me these and these alone are the true blaseball power rankings. now it simply rank the teams from shortest line to longest line and you have an objective ranking of which teams are living up to their brand. one Garages, two Lift, three Moist Talkers, four Firefighters, five Tacos, six Fridays, seven Lovers, eight Mills, nine Tigers, ten Spies, eleven Sunbeams, twelve Steaks, thirteen Pies, fourteen Shoe Thieves, fifteen Dale, sixteen Wild Wings, seventeen Flowers, eighteen Jazz Hands, nineteen Breath Mints, and twenty Magic. this is how I calculate power rankings every season, hope it helps.

Kimberly: wow that was frankly astounding. I'm still not entirely sure what happened but boy those were some real power rankings right there. listeners that is all we've got for the show for you today thank you so much for tuning in. remember we're going to be having more of these episodes with blaseball power rankings that have zero to do with how good a team is at blaseball coming up especially over the siesta. you can find That Reporter at WTFB Splort Radio on Twitter and you can find Forsythia Helltiger at @FHelltiger on Twitter. do not forget to subscribe to this show Take Me Out To The Blallgame wherever podcasts are found. follow us on Twitter at @blaseball_pod. check out our website at www.blaseballpodcast.com and email us at blaseballpodcast@gmail.com. you can send in a question, dedicate a Soulscream or suggest something that we should interview you about. and if you know someone else who would enjoy this podcast do them a favor and tell them about it. I bet they'll be glad you did. I'm Kimberly Dauber, this is been Take Me Out To The Blallgame and thank you for participating in the cultural event of blaseball.