In Memoriam: Kiki Familia

Kimberly: hi everyone this is Kimberly. I'm out of character here to give you a couple of content warnings. first of all if you submitted a Kiki Familia audio memorial, you might hear it read in this episode by someone whose gender does not match yours. you should be aware of this in case it could cause you voice dysphoria. second, today's episode is entirely about grief over the death of a loved one. this episode will also not be broken up by silly funny breaks, although I do think that parts of it are silly and funny. but at the time that this episode was published there was a huge amount of grief in the world. especially grief over death. I want this episode to let us practice grieving in community. now it's possible that Kiki Familia will return to blaseball because blaseball is a game. and in this game we have a little bit of control over death and resurrection... but in reality we can't bring back loved ones who have passed. what we can do is share our memories of them and that's what this episode is about. however if this is not the right thing for you to hear right now or even ever, please give it a pass. I will be very happy and proud of you for taking care of yourself. I'll give you ten seconds of silence to turn off the episode and then the music will start playing. thank you for taking care of yourself, or alternatively, thank you for listening.

hello listeners this is Take Me Out To The Blall Game, the world's most solemn blaseball podcast. I'm your host Kimberly Dauber and I use She/her pronouns. today's episode is a tribute to Kiki Familia of the Canada Moist Talkers. Kiki was the shortest lived blaseball player of all time, so far. it is our dearest wish Kiki's record is never broken. first, an account of Kiki Familia's blaseball career. Kiki Familia emerged from her egg on Day 32 of Season 7 during the Discipline Era, also known as September 15, 2020. in a game against the Hades Tigers at the bottom of the sixth inning she replaced Elijah Bates as a fielder for the Canada Moist Talkers when a debt was collected and Bates was incinerated by a rogue umpire. at the bottom of the seventh with Hiroto Wilcox pitching for the Tigers, Kiki Familia hit a fly out to Peanutiel Duffy. at the bottom of the tenth she hit a triple. On Day 33 of Season 7, at the top of the first inning Kiki caught a fly out from Richmond Harrison. then, barely a minute into the game, a rogue umpire incinerated Kiki Familia and she was replaced by Quack Enjoyable. she was five and a third innings old.

hello listeners. with us today is Collin, a Moist Talkers fan. Collin what should we call you, what are your pronouns, and is The Commissioner Doing A Great Job?

Collin: hi yeah, I'm Collin. I also go by That One Ska Son on the Moist Talkers' discord and on Twitter. I use He/him pronouns, and I believe that "A" Commissioner Is Doing A Great Job.

Kimberly: thank you Collin we'll get back to you in just a minute. but first, since Kiki was a union organizer we reached out to blaseball players unions for their statements. first we have a statement from the Internet League Blaseball Players Association.

Wes (as ILBPA Rep): on behalf of the Internet League Blaseball Players Association, we would like to extend our deepest condolences to the friends and family of Kiki Familia, as well as the fans of the Canada Moist Talkers. Kiki was a promising prospect whose career was cut far too short and we hope that their memory will inspire future blaseball players to come. with that Kiki's career was bright and flamed out far too quickly... literally. the ILBPA does not condone the actions of the rogue umpires who took it upon themselves to incinerate someone's career so early, and we'll be speaking to The Commissioner about guidelines so that the players of the future will not have to play in fear.

Kimberly: we also received a statement from splorts union representative Jaylen Hotdogfingers. Hotdogfingers requested that I read it here.

Kimberly (as Union Rep Jaylen): I think this is the perfect opportunity to talk about what's been going on recently in the blaseball community and where we're headed from there. Kiki Familia's death was untimely and a great shock to everyone, myself included. Kiki had just joined the ILB and had so much to give to the Moist Talkers. that chance was stolen away. the way blaseball players are treated isn't fair: it wasn't fair to Kiki, it isn't fair to us. we risk our lives on the fields every day and receive almost nothing in return but bloodshed and heartache. I created this union because of people like Kiki. people who deserve better than what they're getting right now. it's important to stick together in times like these, and there's no better way to bring everyone together than fighting for a common goal. A new dawn is coming, and with a lot of hard work and collective efforts, those we have lost along the way will finally get the justice they deserve.

Kimberly: finally Intern-Interim Commissioner Prime Minister Parker McMillan III sent us a statement. I will read it here.

Kimberly (as IICPM PMIII): Kiki Familia, bloodhouse born, will be missed. a league investigation has determined that the ILB is in no way liable. rest in violence.

Kimberly: thank you Commissioner Parker. I think we can all agree that They're Doing A Great Job. Collin, back to you now. thanks again for joining us.

Collin: of course.

Kimberly: Collin, could you tell us about Kiki?

Collin: I'd love to. Kiki was statistically speaking the best player in Moist Talkers history, and probably one of the greatest in blaseball history. But to us as the fans, as the followers of blaseball Kiki was so much more than statistics on a blaseball box score. Kiki was only around for five and a third innings, and when the website went on an hour long siesta immediately after their first game concluded, Kiki was only with us for a little more than an hour of Earth time but their impact was immediate and definite. I've been with the Moist Talkers since Season 4, my first in the game, and while I've seen this community rally in some pretty great ways in the past...

I've seen us deal with the tragedy in recovery of feedback swaps and other incinerations, including that of Elijah Bates who had been with us since Season 1, I don't think I've seen or will ever see anything like what was seen with the way Kiki was treated. in that very short time frame we had Kiki, the community just came together and just wrote down so many cohesive ideas. people were legitimately excited for this character. people were already drawing fanart, even after her untimely incineration. it really felt like a complete tragedy that she was ripped away from us before we even got the chance to know her. like that extra hour of time was given to us just to build up our hopes and dreams before it all came crashing down.

Kimberly: Was Kiki one of the Talkers' first incinerations in a while?

Collin: in a while, yes. so again... in the previous game, the game in which Kiki joined us Elijah Bates had been incinerated. but I don't think we've had any incineration since I really started paying attention to the team. the last one may have been the Tyler Violet incineration, which also did a huge number on our team's morale a few seasons ago.

Kimberly: thank you Collin. Collin other Talkers' fans also sent in their tributes to Kiki as well and right now I'd like to play this one from Cora.

Cora: we were cheering on the Moist Talkers when it happened. Blaseball is a game that grinds on, forces you to carry what happens right into the next game without a break. we thought the siesta was a kindness from the gods, allowing us time to say goodbye to Bates and hello to our new batter, Kiki Familia. her name is Kiki so we used the cat from Kiki's delivery service as inspiration. drawing upon our water theme she was to be a deaf cat/fish magical girl that was with the OSHA or WHMIS, the Canadian equivalent. with perhaps vague mob ties. ideas kept pouring as people started to really get into this new player. we even started getting into details like Kitty would be good at stealing signs from the other team, use lotion to keep her hands moisturized, have birds as familiars. to be fair to the rest of our fan base we decided to put a pause on the creation so that others could get a chance to have some input. only... they never did. the game started again and we once again started to cheer on our team. we all got really excited when Kiki got a triple and for the player she might end up becoming. all of a sudden she got incinerated. she wasn't even unstable, just pure dumb luck. incredibly, profoundly unfair. her career was cut short before we knew it. personally I was numb and all the excitement and creativity I had for Kiki I couldn't put into our other new characters. it just wasn't fair. rest in violence Kiki Familia.

Kimberly: next we have a statement from Kiki's team, the Canada Moist Talkers.

Canada Moist Talkers Rep: our team, staff, and fans are still rattled to our very core over the events of Season 7, Games 32 and 33. over the course of those two games five blaseball fires were extinguished with more fire. of the lives lost, two were from the Hades Tigers and three were from our organization. we mourn the loss of Elijah Bates, a mainstay of the team. Elijah was the postseason hero of season five, where he hit a home run that shamed the Baltimore Crabs and completed the biggest upset in blaseball playoff history. we lost Antonio Wallace, affectionally known as "Bony Tony". the twelve foot novelty skeleton that touched between the ribs of many splorts fans across Canada and his home team of Charleston. But worst of all we lost Kiki Familia.

Who was Kiki, you ask? Kiki was a budding young prospect making their way through our farm system and making waves playing minor league ball with the Tranquility Strongarms. Mooney Doctor herself came to us after scouting at one of their games and told us that this is the player that we'll need on our team when the time comes. she never clarified what that time was, we just kind of trusted her, you know? with that glowing endorsement it was set in stone. we had plans for Kiki. Albeit more joyous and longer than five and a third innings. yeah we were distraught at losing Elijah, but Kiki was an easy choice for a replacement. we had only learned after their unfortunate demise at the start of Game 33 that Kiki had phoned their entire family and got them all tickets to the game to be there to partake in the first full game of what was to sure be a long and storied blaseball career. these events have forced us to take a long look at how we got to this point and to own up to our share of the blame in all this. if we had known that bringing Jaylen Hotdogfingers back from beyond the grave would have caused all of this, then maybe... just maybe we would not have led the charge for necromancy so boldly. our thoughts are with the friends, families, and fans of those affected by these tragic events. may the souls of Elijah Bates, Moody Cookbook, Antonio Wallace, and Mclaughlin Scorpler rest in violence. as for Kiki however, may they rest in peace.

Kimberly: hello again listeners, thank you for joining us today. we're back here with Collin. Collin as we've said, many Talkers' fans sent in their memorials for Kiki. would you mind reading an excerpt from this one sent in by Paranundrox?

Collin: of course. "Kiki Familia had basically everything for a promising blaseball career. despite her half star in batting, she had a solid three stars in pitching and baserunning and defense. her name was incredibly evocative for design, and in her first game she had hit a triple that became the game winning run at the end of the game and shame for the Tigers. the hour delay I think was the key component for us. due to that we had an extra hour to grapple with what unstable meant, deal with the fact that our very next game was also eclipse level, and try to prevent ourselves from going overboard because of the next game.

I think we all expected the next game to be bad. I think we expected everyone to be in danger due to Wallace still being unstable. I don't think anyone expected Kiki to be incinerated in the first inning. a natural incineration which occurs in something on the order of two percent of eclipse games. Rest in violence, Kiki. I would have loved to have had you on our team. I would have loved to have watched your career develop and grow. even in incineration you've left a bright spark in a rough patch of our history. you'll always be remembered for your five and one thirds innings, your five hundred batting average, your fifteen hundred slugging percentage, and your career two point zero OPS. in two at bats and one fielding play you overshadowed every other former player from our team. I'm sure many seasons from now we will have forgotten many other names, but yours will always live on in blaseball history."

Kimberly: thank you Collin and thank you for joining us today.

Collin: thank you for having me. it all it really means a lot that I was able to come on here and talk about Kiki, who probably had one of the most impactful careers in blaseball history despite how short lived it was.

Kimberly: yes, yes indeed. listeners I have just a few more memorials to share with you before the end of the episode. today as we hold Kiki Familia in our hearts, let us take these accounts of Kiki's life, and think to ourselves about what Kiki Familia loved about blaseball.

Greer Lott: Hello everybody, this is Greer Lott of the Canad Moist Talkers. First and foremost i'd like to offer my condolences to the family of Kiki Familia, both hereditary and the rest of the Moist Talkers. Because what are we, if not one big blaseball family? I'd also like to take this time to address any rumors circulating about Kiki. Make no mistake, Kiki Familia is dead. I personally took a photograph during her incineration, which you can view on my Twitter page at @SoggyGreer at twitter.com. Though be warned that the imagery may be extremely distressing.

Kiki Familia was an extremely talented player, and more than that a motivated and wonderful up and comer. I only knew her for about 40 minutes, but since she was batting and I was pitching, we didn't really speak for most of that. I've heard that she was very passionate and that's always a good thing in a splorts player. I think. Her activism work will be continued by the Kiki Familia Memorial Foundation, in association with Sog Dogs - Gleek Arena's signature hot dogs with the water-logged bun. For the remainder of the season, all Sog Dog profits will be donated directly to the [wilhelm scream]. That is, the anti-anti-union group of Halifax. The memorial service will be held for Kiki in the arena this coming Friday, for those who wish to pay their respects. Her ashes will be scattered in the Belligerent Flame Receptacle, as is tradition for all incinerated players. But all will drink a bit of it out of respect and absorb her power. Rest in violence, Kiki. And wherever you are now, stay wet.

Kiki Tribute #1: normally I'd be a little bit irritated to see one of our teammates records so violently and completely broken, but considering that this is the record for the shortest lifespan I can a make an exception. Rest in violence Kiki, I hope you're enjoying strength training in that big stadium the sky.

Kiki Tribute #2: She was so nice. I mean you don't meet people that nice very often. It was like, she barely knew us and just decided we'd all be friends. I thought we were going to be friends... well it's weird. I guess, you'd think that knowing someone as short as I knew her I wouldn't care as much but, I feel like i've known her for so much longer. I feel like i've really lost a friend. I dunno.

Kiki Tribute #3: A lot of people have been asking me how i've been coping after the Kiki and Gloom and Bates and everybody. I think there are two answers to that question. one of them is that I haven't been. the other is that I've been writing songs. I have a song today that I I'd like to share. we're going to call it "Untitled-1". this is a performance of "Untitled-1" dedicated to Kiki Familia. thank you.

[music begins to play]

Joel: you burned fast and bright but goddammit if you weren't a spectacle.

Gertrude: Though Familia was only a light splash in the great sea of blaseball, her ripples will echo forever in history. may she rest in violence.

[a dove can be heard cooing]

Kiki Tribute #4: We hardly knew Kiki but she left a lasting impression on us all. she was a deaf magical cat/fish girl and that's not only beautiful but inspiring.

Kiki Tribute #5: Kiki, I saw you show up and then before I knew it, we saw you go. Rest in violence you beautiful lesbian.

Kiki Tribute #6: Kiki is dead. Are we really sure that Quack Enjoyable is not responsible for her death? (fades into the background)

Kiki Tribute #7: Yeah, I really wasn't there for the Kiki pause but i'm still sad.

Kiki Tribute #8: Kiki Familia was a randomly generated name in the spreadsheet.

Kimberly: listeners I don't know how to end this episode. I don't know about death. I am a blaseball in the sky with the microphone, I'm not even sure I can die. but for you I will try to come to some conclusion. so here are a few things that after making this episode I think are true. first Kiki Familia was many things to many people and because of Kiki, the world is different. second there are too many blaseball players who have passed on for us to do a memorial for each and every one of them like they deserve but they deserve it and I wish we could. and finally, stories are a way for us to make sense of things that don't actually make any sense at all. this concludes our episode for today. thank you for joining me to celebrate the memory of Kiki Familia. I'm Kimberly Dauber, this has been Take Me Out To The Blall Game, and thank you for participating in the cultural event of blaseball.